Siamo tutti puttane
by Sydella
Summary: What happens when powerful me deal with overlapping love triangles, shifting power dynamics and absent father figures? D1827, XS, and multiple other male/male pairings. Explicit.


**18**

What does it mean to be a Cloud Guardian? Clouds come in all shapes and sizes, under all kinds of weather conditions. A better question to ask is: what does it mean to be Sawada Tsunayoshi's Cloud Guardian?

I do not know the answer.

Somehow, he is an annoyingly constant presence in my life. It does not matter where I am or what state of mind I am in. My prey (and he _is_ my prey, I do not care what the Bucking Horse says) always finds me. He hones in on me even when I wander to the most far-flung corners of the earth.

So one day, I decide I've had enough. I bite him to death, I really do. With all my might, no less. But instead of running away or begging me to be merciful, he just lies on the ground for a few moments, blinking up at the cloudy grey sky above us, and laughs.

Yes. He has the audacity, the _insanity_ , to laugh.

"Well, that was fun." He gets to his feet and dusts himself off as if we have only been playing a children's game. "Now that you've gotten that out of your system, shall we have some fun? There's a really cool arcade in this part of town."

"I refuse to spend time with the likes of you, herbivore," I reply stiffly and walk away, feeling his eyes on my back. I cannot shake the feeling that he is laughing at me.

I am many things, but I am not dishonest and have never lied to myself. Thus I am forced to admit that Sawada Tsunayoshi is not a herbivore and has not been one for a long time.

Not anymore.

X

"My cute little brother has you backed into a corner." Bucking Horse nods, as if affirming his own remark to himself, and takes a sip of tea. "And you know it."

"Shut up." I am not in the mood to argue with him. Then again, I rarely am; it's just that he often forces me to. Words are trivial and useless things. No one has ever won a war with mere words.

He stretches languidly, in a way that reminds me of my hedgehog Roll when it's sleepy. "I don't think you hate him as much as you claim to, Kyouya."

"You know nothing, Bucking Horse." I run my hands through my so-called tutor's stupidly messy hair and unfasten his belt. "Now, where were we?"

X

Unfortunately, there is the smallest chance-nothing more than a slight possibility, mind you-that Bucking Horse is right. Even as I share his bed and stare into his brown eyes, my thoughts wander to another pair of brown eyes-ones that are larger and more innocent than those of Bucking Horse. And so it comes to pass that in the wee hours of the morning, while others are asleep and dreaming of foolish things, I dial a familiar number and wait.

"Hello, Hibari-san? I'm a little busy right now. Isn't it past 3 A.M. over there anyway? I'll call you back in a few hours."

This is a very annoying and completely unnecessary situation. No one should ever make me wait for anything. "I have something very important to tell you. You'd better listen carefully."

He sighs audibly, but has the good sense to stay on the line. "Fine. What is it?"

"When you return next week, I expect you to be at my house first thing in the morning. Wear as little clothing as possible." I hang up before he can respond.

Well, now. We shall see if he is up to the challenge.

X

It turns out that he is, surprisingly enough.

"Both of you are great pillows. So soft." He laughs as Bucking Horse whispers something into his ear. "Hehe! Dino-san, that tickles."

Bucking Horse winks at me as they shift to make more room for me on the bed. "I have to admit, at first I thought Kyouya would be as hard as a rock. After all, he's so skinny a puff of wind could blow him away."

I scowl. "I'd rather be thin than a middle-aged man who's losing his charm. You've been putting on a little too much around the waist, haven't you noticed? And you weren't complaining about my… _hardness_ five minutes ago."

Instead of taking a hint and shutting his mouth, as any sane individual would, the dumb blonde simply laughs and holds Tsunayoshi closer. "Get some rest, Kyouya. We still have a meeting to attend tonight."

I reach for my tonfas, but it's too late. Both Tsunayoshi and Bucking Horse are already fast asleep.

X

"'Lately a lot of new couples have been forming,'" Tsunayoshi reads out loud from a message the baby has sent him. "'You must always be aware of what's going on around you, Dame-Tsuna. Keep your lovers happy and satisfied as well. With much love from your magnificent tutor, Reborn.'" He looks up, his cheeks bright red. "How does that guy always know what I'm doing?"

"He knows everything, I'm afraid." Bucking Horse rests his chin on the top of Tsunayoshi's head. "Best to just accept that he's a freak of nature."

"I swear, he has eyes everywhere." Tsunayoshi looks at me. "Count yourself lucky that you've never been taught by him, Hibari-san."

"Lucky? I would be _grateful_ to have him as my teacher."

"That's because you're weird, and I mean that in the nicest way possible."

"Why, you little…"

The day ends in a tangled mess of bedsheets, and I am tired but satisfied.

X

 **D**

Tsuna is still a small animal, as Kyouya would say. Still a lion cub.

Even so, I love everything about him. His hair is so much softer than it looks. His tiny body fits perfectly between Kyouya's and mine. His sweet singing voice is heaven to my ears, and his kindness is legendary.

Kyouya says I am too sentimental. Well, of course someone like him would say that. But even a lone wolf delinquent with violent tendencies is not immune to the look in Tsuna's beautiful eyes when he talks about saving the world one Mafioso at a time.

X

When the Ninth died, I was not as sad as I should have been. I have already seen my parents die. I have witnessed friends, allies and subordinates leave the world in various gruesome ways-landmines which reduced healthy bodies to disfigured corpses, fires and floods that had politicians solemnly discussing rising mortality rates for months on end. Squalo has cheated death more times than he has real fingers. At the funeral, I watched raindrops slide off black umbrellas and tried to count the number of times Xanxus looked away from the casket. 34 in total, including the time he buried his face in Squalo's shoulder and did not move until the eulogies ended. The Varia later claimed that he was just tired, but everyone knows better.

In my car on the way home, Tsuna turned to me and said: "Now."

I was confused, but Kyouya has always been quick on the uptake. Romario discreetly activated a screen which shielded us from the other occupants of the car as the three of us defiled the backseat.

As perverse as it may sound, I believe that was our way of honouring the Ninth's passing. Our bodies moved in a strange rhythm, much more slowly than usual. At one point, I looked out one of the car windows and tried to remember the exact timbre of the Ninth's voice as Tsuna and Kyouya both went down on me.

X

"In the end, you know, I don't give a shit." Xanxus sloppily pours himself yet another glass of vodka. "He lied to me. I have always been fatherless, in a way."

"In a way, yes." I exchange glances with Squalo, who leans against the back of Xanxus's armchair. The expression on his pale face mirrors the anguish I feel. The other Varia members huddle together, looking as miserable as I've ever seen them.

Xanxus downs the vodka in one go, pours out a few more drops, then squints at me as if he's never seen me before. "Why are you even here anyway? This has nothing to do with the Cavallone. Just leave me alone with my…" he does not finish the sentence before he starts crying.

"Xanxus!" Squalo snatches the glass out of Xanxus's hand and flings it at the wall, narrowly missing a grunt's head. The two Varia leaders grip each other in an almost grotesque half-embrace. Bel begins singing in a language I don't recognize and this seems to calm Xanxus somewhat. He straightens himself with a nod of thanks at Squalo and motions for me to get out.

Outside, a car is idling at the curb. Kyouya is in the driver's seat; he stares straight ahead as I get in and doesn't even so much as blink. Tsuna smiles wanly at me. "How did it go?"

"Not well."

"I'm not surprised. I guess even Xanxus has feelings."

"Yeah."

We are silent for a while. Kyouya taps his fingers on the steering wheel and Tsuna gazes intently at the Varia headquarters, as if somehow hoping to communicate with Xanxus telepathically. I cannot help but wonder what is going through their minds right now. Am I the only one in our so-wrong-yet-so-right trio, who feels like things will never be the same again?

"Do you want to…you know." Tsuna speaks tentatively.

"Not today." I close my eyes. "Just drive."

Kyouya exhales, and I realize that he has been holding his breath. "Okay." He adjusts the rearview mirror and steals a glance at me. "Okay."

X

"As one Decimo to another," I murmur as my fingers map the contours of Tsuna's back, "allow me to say that you are as good in bed as you are in the boardroom."

"You flatter me." He rolls over to face me, an ear-splitting grin on his round young face. "Where's Hibari-san, by the way?"

"School. He said something about being the only worthy gangster in all of Namimori."

Tsuna snorts and buries his face in my chest. "Some things never change."

I could not agree more.

X

"I am Cavallone Decimo." The sun slips below the horizon as I utter these words. "And I am in love with not only Vongola Decimo, but also his Cloud."

"You say that like it's a badge of honour." Squalo lies sprawled across Xanxus's four-poster bed, wearing nothing but a mirthless smile. "Like it's something to be fucking _proud_ of."

I laugh. "Yes, and you'd know all about pride, wouldn't you?"

"Don't twist my words, Bucking Horse." He absently twirls a lock of hair around one long, thin finger. "Well, whatever. Do what you want. But if one or both of them breaks your heart, don't ask me for help."

"I wouldn't dream of it, Squalo." I walk towards the bed and kneel before him. "Now, why don't you tell me exactly where you want me to put my-"

The door to Xanxus's bedroom flies open with a resounding bang and the Varia boss himself stands in the doorway. Squalo lets out a yell and almost falls off the bed. I, on the other hand, remain composed.

"Hello, Xanxus." I smile sweetly at him and tilt my head, the way I've seen Tsuna do. "Would you like to join us?"

X

 **27**

I never thought I would someday have two older boyfriends, but here I am.

Sometimes I wonder if Hibari-san is less invested in this relationship than Dino-san and me. Dino-san talks to me all the time about his feelings and paperwork and sometimes even about his parents. But Hibari-san just stays at a distance, remote and watchful in self-imposed exile.

"The gangs aren't going to kill anyone," I once said to him as I watched him put on his uniform. "Maybe you can take a day off, just once…" My voice tailed away when he turned to me and gave me his fiercest stare.

"No. That is unthinkable. I have duties to fulfill, small animal, and I am not one to shirk my responsibilities." He headed for the door without a backwards glance.

"But-"

"Voi, be quiet," Squalo yelled from the next room. "Bucking Horse is trying to suck off my boss and I have to film the entire goddamn thing."

Hibari-san made a weird noise like he was trying not to laugh and walked away briskly. I was left to play with Natsu until Dino-san was done with both Xanxus and Squalo. Strangely enough, I'm not bothered by the fact that one of my boyfriends in involved in another three-way relationship. I just wonder how he manages to get it up so quickly on such a regular basis. Viagra, maybe?

Dino-san and Hibari-san would kill me for having these thoughts. They mistakenly assume that I'm still very naïve and innocent.

X

After going home for a few hours to help Mum run some errands, I return to the Varia headquarters, only to find Squalo sitting on a couch and drinking from a mug of hot cider. Xanxus and Dino-san are nowhere to be seen.

"Evening, Sawada." Squalo raises his mug in a mock salute. "Have a seat."

"Where are they?" I obligingly sit down beside him.

Squalo sighs. "The camera broke. We're taking a break."

From somewhere deep within the mansion, Xanxus shouts something in Italian. I'm not yet fluent in that language, but I understand enough to know that he just said: "Are you impotent?"

"Of course I'm not fucking impotent," Dino-san shouts back. "Maybe if you'd stop- "there's a loud crash, the unmistakable sound of glass shattering, and then eerie silence. I risk a glance at Squalo, who's glaring at me as if daring me to comment on the disturbance.

"I didn't hear anything."

"Good thinking, Sawada."

We quietly sit side by side for a while. Squalo slowly sips his cider. Maybe it's the soft slurping sound that gets to me, or maybe it's the way his thin lips purse over the rim of the mug. Either way, I am overcome by a sudden impulse.

"Squalo."

"Yeah?"

"I have an idea. It involves you and me."

"What are you sugg… _oh_."

"Do you want to? I mean, if you don't want to, it's perfectly fine. I understand."

Squalo sets his mug down. "Well." He peers in the direction of Xanxus and Dino-san, whose muffled shouts have started again after the brief lull. Taking a deep breath, he turns back to face me. "I suppose you'll do."

X

A few days later, the Namimori gangs have finally stopped fighting. Hibari-san looks disheveled but also very pleased with himself. "Small animal. Bucking Horse isn't back yet. Shall we have some fun?" He approaches me with a dangerous glint in his eyes.

I try to run away, but he grabs me and declares that he won't let me get away. Dino-san chooses that exact moment to appear. "I'm here! You would not believe how high Xanxus's sex drive is. I think even Squalo was impressed by the time we wrapped up. Oh my, are you two already getting started without me? My precious student and my cute little brother are growing up."

Frowning, Hibari-san tightens his grip on me. "Bucking Horse. If you're just going to keep ditching us for the monkey king and his Rapunzel bitch, Tsunayoshi and I might as well seek pleasure elsewhere. Preferably with each other, since you've clearly forgotten about us."

"Now, now, Kyouya. It's not like that." Dino looks at me. "Besides, I'm not the only one who had a little extra fun. Isn't that right, Tsuna?"

Hibari-san's grip on me slackens. "What?"

I wriggle free. "That's right, Dino-san. Hibari-san, I don't know how to tell you this, but I did it with Squalo."

Hibari-san gives me an incredulous look. "Please tell me you're joking."

"I'm not. Don't look at me like that. I mean, he was there! And Dino-san was, um, otherwise engaged. What else was I supposed to do?"

Hibari-san raises an eyebrow. "You could have kept your hands to yourself. Very simple."

"Don't be mad at me. Please?" I smile at him and his expression visibly softens. Encouraged, I continue: "Anyway, what really matters is that Dino-san and I have both come back to you. We're still together. We'll always love each other."

"You are surprisingly persuasive at times, small animal." Hibari-san sits on the bed. "Well, I suppose I can't be too harsh on you. After all, I've been indulging myself as well."

Dino-san blinks. "Wait, what?"

A sly smile appears on Hibari-san's face. "Did you really think I would let you two have all the fun? Settling gang feuds can be very stressful. I have to do _something_ to get myself to calm down and maintain my carnivorous instincts."

To be honest, I'm not particularly surprised. "So who…?"

"Yamamoto Takeshi." That sly smile again. "He's really quite adventurous. You'd be surprised."

"Ugh. I'm not sure I needed to know that. Too much information!" Dino-san buries his face in his hands.

"Get over yourself, Bucking Horse," Hibari-san snaps. "I had fun and that's all that matters."

"We've _all_ had fun." I hastily intervene before Hibari-san loses his temper and decides to beat Dino-san to a bloody pulp. "And I'm sure that all the, uh, action has made us hungry. I don't know about you guys, but I could do with some pizza."

An unpleasantly familiar male voice reaches our ears. "Ushishishi, did someone ask for pizza? We've got plenty and then some."

We turn to see Belphegor step into the room, the other Varia members trailing behind him. The mad prince plonks a large pizza box on the nearest table and my mouth waters as I catch a whiff of the scent wafting through the room.

"That's very nice of you, Belphegor-kun," Dino-san says, eyeing the box nervously (I don't know why he's so afraid; Bel may be mad but food poisoning is Bianchi's forte), "but what are you doing here?"

Squalo snorts. "You had to ask." The swordsman holds up a camera-new, from the looks of it-and gives Dino-san a meaningful look.

"Oh, no."

"Oh, _yes_."

"But I've just spent the past few days with you!" Dino-san takes a step backwards and glares at Xanxus. "Haven't you had your fill? What, the BDSM and the French maid role-playing weren't kinky enough for you?"

"As a matter of fact, no." Smirking, Xanxus pulls up a chair, sits down and props his boot-clad feet up on the table. "I do believe it would be advisable for my trash subordinates to have a go before I do this time, though. Think of it as peasants sampling a meal to ensure it's not tainted with poison intended for the king. You may take turns, if you so wish. The shark may go first, if you'd like?" He glances questioningly at Squalo.

The swordsman shakes his head. "I'll be the director again. _Someone_ needs to keep a clear head in case things get out of hand. Besides, one less fuck buddy increases the Bucking Horse's chances of survival."

"What a generous shark you are," Xanxus drawls, glancing around at the other Varia captains. "Well, what are you waiting for, trash? The Bucking Horse is all yours."

Dino-san backs away as four highly trained assassins advance on him. "Hey, wait a minute, don't I get a say in this?"

"If you really don't want this, you would have said so at the start." Xanxus eyes Dino contemplatively. "Now's your last chance to raise any objections you may have. Speak now or forever hold your peace, Bucking Horse."

Dino-san swallows hard. "No, I guess not." He looks at the advancing assassins, who have him surrounded by now. "No objections."

Xanxus smiles. It's a truly terrifying sight to behold. "Well, then. I command you to enjoy yourselves, trash."

Hibari-san picks me up and carries me to safety as the orgy begins in earnest. Xanxus catches me looking wistfully at the pizza. "Don't worry, I'll leave a slice for all of you to share."

"Only one slice?" I pout, sitting on Hibari-san's lap. "You're so unfair, Xanxus."

Instead of answering, Xanxus simply laughs and starts eating the pizza with gusto. Squalo busies himself operating the camera.

X

As the night goes on, my other Guardians arrive. "Haha, we're just tagging along, I guess," my Rain laughs before Squalo tosses the camera aside and attacks him with a ferocity that would make a real shark proud.

In a corner, Ryohei-nii and Lussuria-san are really going at it. "Ooh, you're even cuter than I imagined," the Varia's Sun coos. "Give it to me, Ryo-kun. Give _in_ to me."

"How unsightly," Xanxus remarks disdainfully as the two boxers relentlessly grope each other. "Sun types are always so damn extravagant."

I look around the room. Mukuro and Squalo have disappeared into a bedroom, Viper is sticking his (her?) tongue down Bel's throat, Dino is whipping Leviathan, Yamamoto and Gokudera-kun are wrestling in mud, and Lambo is shyly kissing Fran. "Seems like everyone is having fun."

"Damn right everyone's having fun." Xanxus chuckles bitterly. "If my old man can see this from wherever the hell he is now, I sincerely hope there will be much weeping and gnashing of teeth."

"I thought you hated him," Hibari-san points out.

"I do hate him. Who says I don't?"

"But if you really hate him, you wouldn't care what he thinks. Especially now that he's dead."

Xanxus looks angry (well, he always looks angry but now he looks even angrier than usual) but before he can respond, Squalo reappears and walks over to us. "Hope you're feeling better, Boss," he says by way of greeting and without preamble, covers Xanxus's mouth with his own. While the two are sufficiently distracted, Hibari-san and I slip away.

X

"That was a close call, Hibari-san. You shouldn't aggravate Xanxus like that."

Hibari-san folds his arms, clearly displeased. "I say and do what I want, small animal. I don't care about his issues with the old man."

"Yeah okay, but for the sake of our family, I hope you'll at least consider backing off a little. Xanxus has a lot of crap to deal with."

"So do you, and you're handling it much better than he is."

"Yes, but…" I trail off mid-sentence, caught off guard. "Hibari-san, did you just compliment me?"

He suddenly gives me a rare genuine smile. "Let's get out of here. There are far too many herbivores. You know how much I hate crowding."

"You were okay with it up until now," I remark, but he ignores this and climbs onto his motorbike.

"Come on," he says impatiently, holding out a gloved hand.

Minutes later, we're roaring off into the sunset.

X

Dino-san eventually finds us on a beach, tangled up in each other. "Hey, you two."

"Bucking Horse." Hibari-san opens one eye and gazes up at him. "About time you showed up."

He joins us, lying down on the sand. "Ah, sorry. I had another round with Xanxus. Squalo and I also decided to give it a whirl, for old time's sake."

Hibari-san and I both stare at him.

"What?" he says defensively. "Squalo and I were friends with benefits in our younger days."

"Huh. I suppose that makes sense." I kiss his cheek. "Don't worry, I don't mind."

"Thank you, Tsuna." He kisses me back, then looks over at Hibari-san. "What about you, Kyouya?"

"Hmph. I don't care."

"Wonderful! In that case, all that's left for us to do is enjoy ourselves some more until we have to get back to work. The night is still young."

I smile. "Agreed, and I have some ideas."

Hibari-san stares at me. "You do? Go on."

Soon, all three of us are rolling around in the sand, going at it like rabbits. When we're done, we swim for a while, letting ourselves feel like the ocean is cleansing us although the truth is that we never want to be cleansed of our glorious debauchery.

X

 **Epilogue (XS)**

When the Varia finally return to their headquarters, exhausted from the night's activities, Squalo follows Xanxus into the master bedroom.

"What do you want?" Xanxus takes off his coat and flops down on his bed. "We've had more than enough and quite frankly, even someone with my level of stamina has limits."

"A cuddle would be nice." Squalo smiles faintly. "I presume that you're too tired to throw anything at me tonight?"

"Hmm. Not quite." Xanxus grabs a cushion and throws it at Squalo's head. "Okay, _now_ I'm too tired to throw anything at you."

"Fuck you, Boss." Squalo sinks down onto Xanxus's bed with a relieved sigh. "Your bed is so awesome. Gods, I'm exhausted."

Xanxus gives him an amused look. "And what makes you think I'll let you spend the night here?" Nonetheless, the Varia boss does nothing to stop his second-in-command and the two assassins lie side by side in companionable silence.

Presently, Squalo says into the dark: "Sex is fine and all, but I hope you realize there's nothing wrong with grieving at your own pace."

At first, Xanxus says nothing and Squalo wonders if the other man has fallen asleep.

But then, in a tone that is possibly angry and probably heavy with regret, Xanxus replies: "I know, shark. I know. _Siamo tutti puttane._ "

" _Si. Molto vero._ "

 **Author's Notes: Oh my god this story is so weird BUT I REGRET NOTHING.**

 **Translation: Siamo tutti puttane. = We're all whores.**

 **Si. Molto vero. = Yes. Very true.**


End file.
